My teen son is dating a French teen girl–HELP!

Yes, there are big cultural differences and he’s reacting exactly the way I would expect. (Although I suspect my very American son will react the same way when his 13-year-old falls in puppy love.) As in America, mothers are a little more willing to bend although it may be more a case of not wanting to alienate her daughter to keep lines of communication open.

Firstly, French teenagers do not date that young so Dad’s probably quite concerned about their ages.

Secondly, French teenagers don’t usually do "couple" dating. They nearly always go out in groups and it isn’t unusual to include their own family in the group. The important thing to remember is "group" and see if the kids can fit their relationship into something more acceptable to the young lady’s culture, i.e. going to his or her younger brother’s little league game with friends instead of a movie by themselves. This would be more appropriate to their age anyway. Another good one would be for your entire family to attend the young lady’s school concert where she’s singing in the chorus and ask her family out to dinner afterwards. The kids can sit together but you can all get to know each other. Could both families go on a picnic at a nearby park? In other words, develop a relationship with her parents so Dad doesn’t worry so much.

The French are much more strict with their children than most Americans. You will seldom see a well brought up French child of any age misbehaving in public. They spend a lot of time together as families with parents educating children in the arts and social graces and they firmly believe in conversation as a social obligation. If you could help your son learn how to have an intelligent conversation with the young lady’s parents, that would help a lot.

To debunk a couple myths:

(1)You don’t see many teenagers topless on French beaches, at least not over the age of ten. Most of the young ladies have tops on and so do their moms. The visiting Brits are more often topless! Tourist beaches in the south of France: yes there are nudes but many are tourists; many are middle-aged and quite a few are over 70. Nudity just isn’t regarded there the way it is here. Now that skin cancer is on the rise, there are fewer and fewer topless sunbathers anyway.

(2) Drinking wine is viewed entirely differently in French society. Small children are often allowed some wine with lots of water to help them learn to differentiate various wines, something they will be expected to do well as adults. The French drink wine because its taste enhances the food it accompanies. They normally will not drink to excess and it is a social faux pas to get drunk. Well brought up teenagers do not have drinking parties. Drinking is part of a meal and is done at home with the family in controlled circumstances.

Are there rotten French teenagers? Of course! The magic word here is "well brought up." Children who are not brought up correctly are referred to as "mal eleve" and it is a real insult. It means "badly raised" and it also means the family has not fulfilled their obligation to society. Hence, the young lady’s parents are only trying to do their duty and it must be very stressful for them when they are trying to raise their children the only way they know how and their children are growing up in a culture that simply holds many different values, often the values pressed on them by the media.

Perhaps if you understand this and can help your son understand this, things will go a little more smoothly. Being "friends" is great; being a "couple" is difficult. Remember, it’s equally difficult for your son since he is a product of our society.

Good luck. Most kids are really nice; it’ll probably work out just fine . . . a few grey hairs for all parents concerned. )

Thank, Sal! I suspected as much! I am much more familiar with Mexican customs, as I have many Mexican friends (I speak Spanish). I recently returned from Spain and, while I didn’t see many teenagers, the one native Spaniard I know (who has lived in the U.S. for 15 years!) is completely against his daughters (aged 6 and 8) sleeping over at friends’ houses. His American wife is working on him, but I don’t see him changing!

Back to my son… I’ve brought him up to speak politely to the parents of his friends (and any other adults!) I know how much I hate it when his friends walk right past me without saying ‘hello’ or even making eye contact! So, I know that he would definitely make an effort with the girl’s mother, but he is so terrified of the father already that I doubt he could even manage to get out a squeak! I asked him today if he wanted to invite her and her younger brother to go see ‘Over the Hedge’ with him and his younger brother and I got a loud, "NO!"

Ahhh, teenage angst. I thought I was almost out of the woods now that my resident drama queen is almost 18 (my oldest; a girl). But, aparently not! Thanks again for the tips!

KO

I understand. We had three kids and one of them was unpredictable until he was about 24 or 25. Sigh . . .

You just do the best you can; that’s all a parent can do. These are tough times to bring up children. They used to "have to" grow up; today adulthood can be postponed nearly indefinitely. In ways that is good; in ways it is bad.

I read someplace that first love is the most difficult because that is the one where you think you can never love again. Probably true. After the first one, you always know there will eventually be another.

I sympathize with you both but it sounds like you have a good relationship with him and that is what is important. You might have him take French in school. The grammar might cool his ardor . . . on the other hand he may end up a diplomat in France!

kellyorz:

Hi! I am La Vieille Branche (LVB) and I’m am American who was born and raised in a VERY French family here in NJ. It seems rather odd to say that, however, that was the case so I feel I am well equipped to tell you a few things about your situation.

The girl’s father is just like my own father. There is NO American style dating allowed for young, teenage girls in France. Teenagers go out in groups, with their friends. They might meet another group of friends out at the movies, the cafe, etc. but they do NOT do one-on-one dating at such an early age. The girls’ father is just doing what any responsible French father would do.

I could elaborate much more, but Salb’s post says it all. Even the paragraph on wine is exactly accurate. I grew up drinking wine with water to get used to the taste, and when I was in high school, I could serve myself to wine or cognac in my home as long as I didn’t overdo it. Moderation was the key, and if I didn’t learn to moderate myself, my father would have taken my glass away.

SalB has such a nuanced view of French life that she must have had French family

SalB:

Hi! We were supposed to go to France the week of July 10 because Nico had a business trip. I would of gone along for free, however, the trip was cancelled. So no free Paris trip for me! bouhou!

Long live summer vacations! I dont have to go back to work until after Labor Day. Nico and I will be driving to Quebec for 3 weeks. We will stop off at Montreal to visit some of my relatives for a few days, then it is off to the Charlevoix region for some rest and relaxation. For us here, it is a 12 hour car ride to Quebec City from NJ. I can get to the Canadian border from NJ on 3/4 tank of gas, without using the air-conditioning (little Saturn Ion). Considering the costs of airfare for 2 and renting a car, it was a no brainer decision to drive instead.

It is good to be a music teacher

I normally would never do this, but you need to check out this French blog:

http://www.superfrenchie.com

It is a unique perspective on being French in America. Plus, it is funny as h*ll!! 🙂 (ForumAdmin: sorry for the bad word)

salutsun

why would we stop them ? i think it’s a treasable experience for them , in the pressess of growing up, people need to feel and go through different things, and that ‘s what make up life.
leave them a sweet momery

From what I have witnessed most young kids go out in groups… Though surprisingly every weekend I see more and more extremely intoxicated groups of french young teens, at a concert recently I saw 5 girls who looked 18 or younger get carried out of a concert on stretchers for excessive alcohol or drugs. So to say that they drink in moderation is excessive.

Though in regards to relationships there can be a lot of miscommunication, not only for 15 year olds but even young adults at university. There is no concept of dating (the stage before you are officially boyfriend and girlfriend) this has come to a surprise to many of my american friends as they have found out by kissing a french boy, and then being called their girlfriend very shortly after (the same evening)…

The father may be concerned because of this. Only couples who are officially going out hang out on their own, so I would recommend that your son and this girl go on a few more group dates…

Anyway best of luck